Yes, I have hats on the brain, and yes, I’d like to move on just as much as you would. But if it’s any consolation, I’m just as fascinated with other people’s hats as I am with my own.

As an aid to species identification, hats on men can hardly be beat. For one thing, they’re a reliable shorthand for “hero” versus “villain.”

The good guys wear white. Your second clue is that he’s the one sitting on the cushy seat holding the reins. The good guys always get to steer.

The bad guys wear black and are given road apple duty.

The clues can be more subtle, if you know what you’re looking for. For example, which one is the chauffeur?

Okay, maybe the boots and jodhpurs helped a bit on that one. (Have you ever tried to spell “jodhpurs” before your second cup of coffee? I think I hurt myself.)

Let’s try a trickier one.

Of the four men visible in this photo, which two are the most in touch with their inner animal spirit guides?

Perhaps a better angle will help.

Maybe it’s just me, but I think the sweater was a sub-par fashion choice. Horizontal stripes on a bear can work, but they’re tough to get just right.

Of course, sometimes a hat is just a means of extending a hair wash an extra month or two…

… or to keep the sun out of your eyes.

… or to keep your head warm in a chilly old farmhouse. Or when you’re getting geared up for a game of “Who Wants To Be A Viking?”

After all, sometimes a dude just needs a way to exert his sense of personal style.

But for my money…

… nothing screams “run hither!” like a Christmas ball necklace and birthday cake hat.

Well. I think I’m done with hats for a while.