Hot Christmas Ideas

It’s too early for Christmas. I get it.

But the person who posted this on Facebook as a great idea for a stocking stuffer doesn’t play by the “Not A Word Until After American Thanksgiving” rule.

And I immediately thought of at least one person, very dear to my own heartbeat, who could really use a hot sauce keychain fob.

And he’s not easy to buy for.

So, not being one to let the Gift Muse go without a fight, I ignored the calendar and dug deeper.

And I discovered nothing says “I love you” more than the purity of a classic: Cholulua Hot Sauce.

Of course, “I love you more!” is Cholula Hot Sauce sold by the half gallon.

If you have someone on your gift list that resonates with the song, “One Scoville Over the Line,” it turns out there’s a whole swath of gift options for your hot sauce fans.

… like this 24-pack of 1/8 oz Mini Tabasco Original Pepper Sauce in real fancy little glass bottles.

Here’s what we’re talking about: critical mobility that no stinkin’ new smartphone is going to serve up.

If your blister-lipped lovely prefers to maybe not look like someone who has been saving up Denny’s serving-size condiments, an actual gift-boxed set might be more appropriate.

At this point, some of you may be thinking, “I don’t get it, Big Dan. What is it about busting a sweat, sneezing uncontrollably, becoming alarmingly red in the face, surreptitiously licking a napkin, and occasionally beating a swift beeline for a piece of unbuttered bread makes a meal more enjoyable?”

Don’t judge.

Observe the sommelier-like reverence reflected in the descriptions of the 4 sauces offered in the Ghost Pepper Habanero Hot Sauce Gift Box above:

Bhut Kisser – Award winning ghost pepper hot sauce. Fiery Food Challenge winner in the Ghost Pepper Category. 

Bee Sting – Bee Sting Ghost Pepper Honey Hot Sauce is very unique and very hot. An initial burst of sweetness from the honey followed by an incredibly intense ghost pepper heat. 

The Defibrillator – Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce. Ghost Peppers, Habanero, and Smoked Serrano. Slightly smokey and very hot. 

Habanero Head – Habanero hot sauce flavor with a hint of smokiness, garlic and intense habanero heat. 

This is love, people, even if you don’t get the appeal. Some of the best gifts ever come from a place of supporting the very places where we most differ.

Or perhaps you like to please your pepper popper AND inject a little family engagement into the Christmas festivities?

Gotcha covered with the always-a-hit Ass Kickin Hot Sauce Challenge Book of Pleasure and Pain. Fun for kids of all ages!

For those who like some crunch with the punch, these nuts are Da Bomb.

Or maybe you’re thinking, “Yes, but where’s the fire-breathing beef jerky?”

And even if everyone else in the house is on the trendy “Eat Bland and You’ll Be Grand!” diet, no one will fault your loved one for their adult beverage choice. This Bloody Mary lover’s gift set.

Honestly, at some point, my research led to increasingly sketchy outposts.

I had accidentally wandered into the corner of the store where only every third light was working, and some of those flickered dangerously in the murky, echoing aisle.

And then I made a mad dash towards the light before the dragon got me.

And now you’re on your own until after Thanksgiving.

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