Category Archives: Cartoon Blogs

On Hiring A Decorator

I occasionally flip through House Beautiful at the grocery store check-out line.

This pretty much sums up the interest I have in home decorating magazines. While I’m too cheap to buy the magazine, I am interested in the outrageous sums of money some people are willing to spend on what other people think their home should look and feel like.

Plus, sometimes I like the cushions.

I know, I know… thumbing through “Chi-Chi ‘R Us” can be a helpful past-time when you’re in the market for new ideas. For my money — which I don’t actually spend (see above)–the most useful articles peel back the mysteries of how to take what you’ve already got, donate some to Goodwill, re-arrange what remains, and end up with twice the square footage. Now this… this is helpful.

But in principle, I find the concept of “get a decorator in to make the place look good while we’re gone” puzzling. Who knows better than you what kind of space and stuff you want to welcome you back home after a hard day of work, errands, and grocery shopping? The whole idea is counter-intuitive, since one of the things I love most about my home is that when I step back in to it, it reminds me of who I am.

If it’s been a couple of weeks since either of us has vacuumed, this can actually be a bit disturbing.

You may wonder why I feel so strongly about the subject.

Once upon a time, I had to move all the furniture from the main floor into the garage while some hardwood floor refinishers did their thing. Before the project began, the contractor sent over a decorator to consult on the stain color. Unprompted, she did a 2-minute sweep through the house, turned abruptly on her heel, and recommended that at the end of the project, we only bring back in from the garage what we were planning to keep.

“Like, you might be able to use that chair.”

Blink, blink. Silence.

“Although you might want to start from scratch. I could help you put together a really great look for this space.”

Bye, bye, decorator.

Tsunami Prediction

A short summary of pertinent facts:

There was an 8.8 earthquake off the coast of Chile today.
There is a tsunami advisory for the west coast of North America from Mexico to Canada.
We live on the west coast of California, a short walk up hill from a pretty wild and woolly section of beach.

A few more relevant data points:

Initial wave arrival at our beach is estimated at 1:26pm, according to a statement issued by the National Weather Service.
The wave heights are predicted to be roughly two and a half feet about normal.
The series of big storms here lately have already washed out several feet of the stairway leading down to our beach.

A couple of subjective observations:

People are fascinated by out-of-the-ordinary natural events.
Many people own cameras and like to take photos of waves.
People, on the whole, run towards stupid.

Ergo, my predictions:

The Half Moon Bay Review will run an article, with photo, about the brave lifeguards rescuing some doofus who was standing on a rock in the Harbor with a video camera at 1:26 p.m. on Saturday, February 27, 2010.
By next week, the town council will be arm wrestling over where to find the funds to replace the stairway down to the beach at Pelican Point.
Rick and I will have some amazing wave photos to share with you here tomorrow.

Sticky Pedals

This is hilarious.

Rick has created a delightful cartoon about me sitting in front of a runaway keyboard, I just got back from a communications conference, and this morning I have “blinking cursor syndrome.”

I got nothin’.

But that’s life sometimes, right? First you can’t get things to stop: whiners… snow… a nosebleed in public… Bob Costas…

… but other times, you just can’t get things to go: a watched kettle… the hands on a clock during a mind-numbing meeting… your hair in one direction…

Then there are days when you can’t get anything to come: the first word on a page… a winning lottery ticket… Friday…

I guess on all days, the wisest thing is to watch and be grateful for the things that have stuck around: Ivory soap… your marbles… the movies… and the family and friends you love to share the whole mess with.

Other People’s Puns

About once a week or so, Rick will declare he’s annoyed by puns. This statement usually springs forth unprompted, out of the blue, with vigor.

This from the man who woke up on Saturday and began the day with, “Good morning! What do you call a hysterical cow with delusions that she’s a camel?”

I know better than to play knock-knock before that first cup of coffee, but I just can’t help myself.

“Good morning. And, what?”

“A dramadairy. Yak, yak, yak.”

It can’t be easy for him in there.

In truth, I don’t think the problem is puns themselves. I suspect the issue lies more in “inner word play” fatigue, and when it’s in your own head, there’s no where to run, no place to hide, no NBC at which to rant.

So, dear friends, in order to give Rick something besides his own ear worms to groan over, let’s see what we can do with this: what do you call a deranged camel who thinks she’s a dairy cow?

Stephen Colbert, Olympic Spoilsport

Letter to the Editor:

We just want to watch the Olympics.

It’s bad enough to have to sit through NBC’s “Olympic Show” — replete with endless vignettes of downhill drama queens and Carrot Top look-alikes — to catch a precious few moments of world-class athletes competing in a politically neutral atmosphere.

Do we really have to endure the predictably insulting Stephen Colbert schtick now too?

Seriously, if I wanted to see Stephen Colbert do his thang I’d watch his show, which I don’t.

The ranting of a mock pundit gnawing on right-wing provocateurs like Bill O’Reilly is as enjoyable for me as watching Bill O’Reilly himself, which I don’t.

Adding insult to injury is witnessing Bob Costas playing the straight man as Colbert jabs at Canadians as “iceholes” and “syrup-suckers.”

Bob Costas IS a straight man and isn’t just playing one on TV. It’s just a hunch, but I’m guessing that “Bob Costas, comedy” doesn’t rank very high on a Google search .

And he’s already seriously pissing off plenty of folk with his day job.

I’m married to a Canadian, and I love my wife and her family very much. As Canadians, they’ll be the last to complain, at least beyond the kitchen table. So let me speak as the token American around said table.

In an environment literally running over with fabulous ambassadors of international goodwill, it is acutely embarrassing that NBC not only permits but actually pays Colbert and Costas to spoil the sports.

Anyone know where we can hire a live moose willing to ride them both out of town?

Signed,

Shocked and Appalled

An Olympic Vexation: Time-Delayed Coverage

I cried and went to bed early last night.

I wanted so badly to see the Bilodeau medal ceremony as it was taking place. We wanted to watch the snowboarding cross competition with the four guys on the course… not just the preliminary qualifying rounds that NBC aired in the afternoon. We wanted to cheer real time.

After a fruitless search online for live streaming coverage (the CTV “real time” video wouldn’t load, even after 500 tries), we gave up. Reaching for our inner adults, we resigned ourselves to the 8:00 p.m. start of the NBC “Olympic Show.”

And then we waited through commercial after vignette after commentator babble, until it became evident that NBC was holding the good stuff hostage until midnight. They didn’t want us to leave before we had seen all their commercials and heard all the condescending ethnocentric blathering. We found this terribly vexing.

Hello, NBC? You are not fooling anyone. Your “Olympic Show” does not equal “live coverage of the Olympic games.”

I finally couldn’t stand it any more, gave up on the whole day, and went to bed. Poor Rick gave up too, but stayed up to tidy the kitchen.